Bill Maher Quotes (UPD: white people are f***ed up)
Bill Maher writes on his Real Time blog that there’s a reason for all those secession petitions being submitted to the White House lately: White people who didn’t vote forPresident Obama are “sore losers.”
From Maher’s post:
Fifty-nine million Americans voted for Mitt Romney. Don’t ask me why. Why do they keep seeing Nicholas Sparks movies? Because white people are f***ed up, that’s why.
Who shops at the Hallmark Store? Who’s smoking all the meth? Who’s watching Duck Dynasty — a reality show about rednecks who make duck calls? It gets higher ratings than 30 Rock or Homeland and I can’t prove they’re white and stupid, but someone’s watching it…and it ain’t Cornel West. …
… I can understand breaking up the United States over the TSA. Because what real Texan wants someone at the airport finding out how small his dick is? But isn’t it odd that it only became a problem after Obama was reelected?
- November 28, 2012
If the first black president only has one term, America reads that as a failure. This is what the right wing hopes and prays for more than anything else. America looks at this one-term president and goes, ‘We tried a black guy, but it just didn’t work. – talking with Arsenio Hall on Real Time, May 3, 2012.
First week of May, Maher attacked Romney and the tax deductions given to religious donations. Maher serves on the board of PETA, giving to several animal organizations.
When Mitt Romney gets a deduction for giving to charity, the rest of us taxpayers have to cover the loss. Charitable deductions reduce the public coffers by about 60 billion dollars a year… So it is fair to ask what should constitute a charity.
They provide food during famines and wheelchairs to the lame. But that’s not their main concern. Which is, like any business, growing the business, opening branches, selling more product, putting asses in tabernacles. General Electric plants a tree every now and then, it doesn’t make them Johnny Appleseed.
Bill Maher tweeted “Toothless Tuesday too tight to tally! “We’re gathered around the magic picture box with a bowl of grits watching the returns come in!” – Mocking Alabama, Mississippi primaries on March 13, 2012
It’s no coincidence that the type of tree which God forbade Adam and Eve eating from was the tree of knowledge. Rick Santorum home-schools his children because he does not want them eating that (audio bleep) apple. He wants them locked up in the Christian madrassa that is the family living room, not out in public where they could be infected by the virus of reason. – March 9, 2012
“Similar to Afghanistan, when you occupy anything for too long people do get pissed off…As I watch them on the news now, I find myself almost in agreement with Newt Gingrich, like, ‘You know what, get a job.’ Only because the people who originally started it, I think they went home. Now it’s just these anarchists stragglers. And this is the problem when your movement involves sleeping over in the park. You wind up attracting the people who were sleeping over in the park anyway. And I think this is where we are with the ‘Occupy movement’.
“They did a great job of bringing up the issue of income inequality to the floor, but now it’s just a bunch of douchebags who think throwing a chair through the Starbucks window is going to bring on the revolution,” he also said to his panel Real Time with Bill Maher, February 3, 2012
Compare to his October 22, 2011 comments:
There’s not going to be a repeat of what happened last time the hippies were in the streets. Those hardhats that you’re depending on to turn against the lousy hippies, here’s what they’re doing now. They’re cheering them on, because now the hardhats are just as broke as everybody else. These people down there, they’re not the counterculture. They’re the culture. They don’t want free love. They want paid employment. They don’t hate capitalism. They hate what’s been done to it, and they resent the Republican mantra that the market perfectly rewards the hard working and punishes the lazy, and the poor are just jealous mooches who want a handout. Yeah, because if there is one group of people who hate handouts, it’s Wall Street.
TONS OF STORIES AND FEATURES STARRING BILL MAHER – here
If you can look at a crime where everything points to one answer and not see it, you’re a dumbass. And if you can look at the deficit and not see that the problem is that the rich stopped paying taxes, you’re a Republican…Yes, Republican base, you are just like that jury. It is pathetically clear who’s killing the middle class, but you keep letting them get away with murder. – July 9, 2011 Video Below
Kim Kardashian is upset with Casey Anthony verdict? Ur father defended O.J.! Starting the Kardashian tradition of getting black men off. – July 6, 2011 in response to Kardashian’s tweet “WHAT!!!!???!!!! CASEY ANTHONY FOUND NOT GUILTY!!!I am speechless!!!”
I think anybody could be president in this dumb f***in’ country. – June 3, 2011 (Read more here)
This could be a teaching moment, could it not for the teabaggers? Or maybe all of America — who don’t understand that socialism doesn’t mean we’re going to come to your house and make you work on a collective farm. You know, in Europe, socialism is just another political party and it doesn’t mean that we’re against making a profit. It just means that government takes over certain things like hospitals and prisons, and the military, schools — and things that should not be run for profit. – May 22, 2011 discussing the rape scandal with the IMF chief
Andrew Dice Clay. For decades, he’s been called a misogynist, racist, and homophobic — or what Republican primary voters call a good start. He was inexplicably popular at the same time Ronald Reagan was inexplicably popular, and speaks in a vernacular that the Republican base understands – nursery rhymes. – May 20, 2011 HBO Real Time with Bill Maher
Analyzing the Republican 2012 potential candidates on May 17, 2011 Hardball with Chris Matthews:
The US is a non-sophisticated society: “”We are a childish country and if somebody has their peepee in the news, then it’s going to be a top story for a lot of people.”
They are going to have to nominate some, just empty suit like Pawlenty with a frothing loon like Michele Bachmann.
I mean, many people never accepted Bill Clinton because they said things like “if he cheats on his wife, what would he do to the country?” You know like he is going to start working for Belgium instead of us. You know, they conflate cheating in your personal life or somehow being immoral.
Re: Newt Gingrich can win?
No. Of course not. Because first of all, people don’t want to look at him for very good reason. I mean, that’s not often said out loud. He’s ugly inside and what’s not mentioned is that he’s ugly outside.”
You know my theory about him?” Matthews asked his guest. “He can’t be the Devil because he looks like the Devil. The Devil is supposed to look like Marilyn Monroe.
John Edwards had a child with his mistress, left his wife when she had cancer,” Maher said. “Newt Gingrich did the same thing. How come John Edwards is the worst man ever and Newt Gingrich gets to run for President?”
Capping thine enemy is not exactly what Jesus would do – it’s what Suge Knight would do. – May 14, 2011
Martin Luther King gets to call himself a Christian because he actually practiced loving his enemies, and Gandhi was so f***ing Christian he was Hindu. – May 14, 2011
Sarah Palin said Obama should stop ‘pussyfooting around’ and release the photos. Yes, because the guy who ordered the SEALs into a sovereign country without permission and killed public enemy number one is a pussy, and the woman who quit her job as the governor of a state with no people after half a term and won’t do an interview with anyone but Greta Van Susteren is a bad-ass. Right.
Stop saying ‘we’ got Osama. ‘We’ didn’t do anything. ‘We’ were watching ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ and eating Funions in our sweatpants. Seal Team 6 did the killing, with money we borrowed from Beijing; that our grandchildren will have to pay back. So it was a joint Navy Seals/People’s Bank of China/grandchildren operation.
How many Muslims does a black guy have to kill in one weekend before crackers climb down off his ass? – referring to Obama’s still poor approval ratings after the assassination of Osama bin Laden
Well, you know, I’ve been through this so many times. There’s a lot of people in America who have, of course, nothing to do except look for something to get mad at. And I’ve been a frequent target and I’m happy to provide that service. So, you know, I always say, as I’ve said many times in these kind of situations, if I hurt somebody’s feelings, I’m always sorry about that, I’m not trying to hurt somebody’s feelings. But if you want me to say I’m sorry what I said was wrong, no, sorry, I can’t go there. – March 29, 2011
I don’t have any respect, no, I don’t have any respect for the tea-(baggers) [word silenced] and I do call them the tea-(baggers) [word silenced again] — even though they hate it. I will stop calling them Tea-(baggers) [word silenced for a third time] when they stop calling it Obamacare, that’s my deal. – April 25, 2011 on Late Night with David Letterman
I’m astounded that the Republicans can hold themselves out as the patriotic party. Somehow patriotism has gotten redefined as selfishness: never letting anybody take anything from you – especially the government – and never helping anybody. That’s not the patriotism that I grew up with. Patriotism would be for these millionaires and corporations who paid no taxes: Pay your fair share. – interview with Rolling Stone, April 28, 2011 issue
The American people don’t really care what side of an issue you’re on. They just don’t want you to act like a pussy. – interview with Rolling Stone, April 28, 2011 issue
It irks me to no end that people keep calling him “courageous.” Really? Courage would have been going after defense and rich people. His budget goes after children, the poor, the jobless. This is picking on the weakest kid on the playground and getting called courageous for it. And he doesn’t come close to solving the deficit. If you’re going to put out a fantasy document that appeals to the dickishness in your base, shouldn’t it at least accomplish the goal? – interview with Rolling Stone, April 28, 2011 issue (on Paul Ryan’s proposed budget cutting the Medicaid and Medicare entitlement obligations)
I’ve said it many times…if Muslim men could get laid more, we wouldn’t have this problem. There’s probably no suicide bomber [who] after he died, people said, ‘You know, that guy, he blew everybody up, but boy – he got laid a lot. – April 15, 2011 with Irshad Manji of NYU’s Moral Courage Project
I hate them as much as you do. – April 12, 2011 on the Rachel Maddow show
That’s what they did with this Paul Ryan budget plan which, of course, all over the idiot media talking about how brave he is. You know, I hear commentators, ‘yes, well, you know, he was the first one to put everything on the table.’ No. He didn’t put everything on the table. He didn’t put defense on the table. That’s not touched. Social security, where’s the courage in this plan of his? – April 12, 2011 on the Rachel Maddow show discussing Rep. Paul Ryan’s proposed budget
I want to present what I would consider a budget on my show Friday night, and it would include cutting the defense budget in half. I mean, it’s been almost doubled since 2001. If we just went back to what it was under Clinton and also went back to the tax rates under Clinton for the rich and for everybody else, we would save $7.5 trillion over the next ten years without taking money out of the mouths of starving children. How about that, Captain Courageous? – April 12, 2011 on the Rachel Maddow show discussing Rep. Paul Ryan’s proposed budget
But he’s so handsome and boyish. Have you heard about the workout that he does every day?…I guess it’s those dreamy eyes. (deadpan) – April 12, 2011 on the Rachel Maddow show making fun of the media a bit for being “man crushed” on Paul Ryan
He is a terrible negotiator – does he not even know a Jew? – April 8, 2011, discussing Obama’s budget efforts
Obama said this week, I heard him a couple of times saying, “You know what? We met the Republicans what they asked, and then we gave them more.” That’s like your lawyer saying to you, “You know, I went into the chambers with the judge and the prosecutor, and my first offer was 40 years to life for you. And I think I can get your tailgating charge moved up to manslaughter. And that’s my first offer.” What is wrong with these people? He is a terrible negotiator. Does he not even know a Jew? – April 8, 2011, discussing Obama’s budget efforts
53% of Americans now support it, which means that 47% of Americans are a–holes! – April 1, 2011 discussing gay marriage
“You should be laughed at if you think…I’m sorry, if you don’t understand humans and monkeys came from a common anscester.That is reasonable in the 21st century. – January 27, 2011 responding to Rep. Jack Kingston who claims not to believe in evolution.
I’m just thrilled the Tea Bagger didn’t say we’re 6000 years old. – January 27, 2011 responding to Will Cain’s comments during an attack on Rep. Jack Kingston’s statements on evolution and climate change.
So once he started backing off “Worst Persons of the World” the show went “downhill” …it’s really is all downhill. (Rachel Maddow comments how he ended it and brought it back) The parentheses that you really don’t mean it…you know what…stop organizing life around the people who don’t get the joke,” he said. “F–k them if they don’t get a joke. – January 21, 2011 discussing Keith Olbermann’s abrupt exit from MSNBC
The NRA should just change their name to the ‘Assassin’s Lobby’. – January 12, 2010 “Tonight Show” with Jay Leno, discussing the Arizona shooting of Congresswoman Giffords, killing 6 and injuring 14.
If you love guns, just admit it — like it’s a vice. It’s like alcohol or drugs or sex addiction or gambling… It’s not good for you or anyone else, but you like it. – January 12, 2010 “Tonight Show” with Jay Leno, discussing the Arizona shooting of Congresswoman Giffords, killing 6 and injuring 14.
Bill Maher discussing Democrats loss in midterm election on November 4, 2010 Broadcast (video below)
[The blue dogs] lost on Tuesday. Those [Democrats] who said, “You know what? I’m not with Obama. I disavow him, even though he’s my president in my party.” They lost….
What does that tell you? You know, it tells me that this election was lost when Obama didn’t back the public option. To me, that was the one key thing that said to the people – You know what? This is no different than the Al Gore Democrats, the old Al Gore playbook. “Let’s run from our achievements. And let’s not stand for what we believe in.”
Which brings me to the one succinct phrase that could keep the Democrats in power in 2012: “We’ll legalize pot.” – October 22, 2010 Huffington Post column titled “New Rule: Christine O’Donnell Has to Stop Saying “I’m You” in Her Campaign Ads”
Things like gay marriage and prayer in school and other bulls**t that Republicans used for years to get hillbillies to the polls? That’s how Bush got elected in 2004 — Karl Rove put gay marriage on the ballot in eleven key states, knowing that all the Christian shit-kickers would come out against boys kissing and stick around to pull the lever for Bungles the Clown. – October 22, 2010 Huffington Post column titled “New Rule: Christine O’Donnell Has to Stop Saying “I’m You” in Her Campaign Ads”
When I hear Christine O’Donnell say “I’m you” I take it personally, because I think back to how our love-making was so raw and powerful it was hard to know where my body ended and hers began, but if I were you, I’d really want her to stop saying she was you. Eighty-six percent of Tea-baggers think climate change is a hoax — that’s not you! Tea Partiers want to repeal the health care law, but two thirds of AMERICANS either like it or want it to go further. Fifty-nine percent of AMERICANS support gay marriage and civil unions. The Tea Partiers support traditional gender roles, where men are in charge, like Glenn Beck, and women are soft and emotionally fragile, with spooky mood swings, like Glenn Beck. Six in ten Americans think illegal Mexicans should have a path to citizenship and be allowed to stay here. And the other four in ten are illegal Mexicans. – October 22, 2010 Huffington Post column titled “New Rule: Christine O’Donnell Has to Stop Saying “I’m You” in Her Campaign Ads”
People turn to religion because they fear death. We think life can’t exist without us. You have to get over that fear. – July 30, 2010 interview with Post-Trib.com
We’ve lost a lot of intelligence, period. People don’t think, so it doesn’t show up in their dialogue. Look at the news we see on TV. What I see on CNN or MSNBC at noon makes we want to cringe. If I turned the dial to Maury or a soap opera, I’d get more substance. – July 30, 2010 interview with Post-Trib.com
Politics is fascinating because it is the maneuvering of human beings. – July 30, 2010 interview with Post-Trib.com
The break-out character in any sit-com is always the stupid one. Sarah Palin fills that role. She’s a small-time grifter that went national. You can’t describe Sarah Palin and not sound condescending. Mitt Romney is a close second. There isn’t a single issue that he hasn’t completely reversed himself on. He’s a department store mannequin that will be running for national office. Somewhere along the line the conservative movement crossed the line into the mental hospital. Today, to get into the Republican party, you have to be a crazy. – July 30, 2010 interview with Post-Trib.com
Obama still doesn’t get it — you can’t win this with a kiss. He wants this bi-partisanship that is never going to happen. It’s the job of party A to block the agenda of party B. Obama is reaching out to the crazies and he’s losing the base that elected him. The Right Wing is genius at demonizing what they want to demonize. The Democrats have not mastered this art. The Republicans are good at getting behind their guy, no matter who that person is. That’s something the Democrats aren’t very good at — closing ranks. – July 30, 2010 interview with Post-Trib.com
I thought when we elected a black president, we were going to get a black president. You know, this [BP oil spill] is where I want a real black president. I want him in a meeting with the BP CEOs, you know, where he lifts up his shirt where you can see the gun in his pants. That’s — (in black man voice) we’ve got a ‘motherfu**ing problem here?’ Shoot somebody in the foot. – May 29, 2010 “Real Time” monologue (see video below)
Here’s another guy, like Rand Paul, who was against the 1964 Civil Rights Act. He was for literacy tests, he was for a poll tax….Can we look back and just say Robert Bork was a racist who shouldn’t have been on the court? – Maher on HBO’s “Real Time with Bill Maher” May 21, 2010
Do you think BP could end this oil gushing out of the ocean if they just blew up the well and tapped it and they are not doing so because there’s still money to be made from the oil coming out of the well? – Maher on HBO’s “Real Time with Bill Maher” May 21, 2010
These people are so stupid they make me question evolution. – October 2, 2009 “Real Time” broadcast, discussing the GOP and their perspective on climate change
Drag the ignorant hillbilly half of this country into the next century, which in their case is the 19th. – March 26, 2009
It reminded me of Tiger Woods’ text messages to his mistress that were made public last week, where he said, and I quote: “I want to treat you rough, throw you around, spank and slap you and make you sore. I want to hold you down and choke you while I f*** that ass that I own. Then I’m going to tell you to shut the f*** up while I slap your face and pull your hair for making noise. – March 26, 2009
That’s what they should be saying to the Republicans: “Shut the f*** up while I slap your face for making noise! Now pass the cap-and-trade law, you stupid b*tch, and repeat after me, ‘global warming is real.’ – March 26, 2009
What the Democrats never understand is that Americans don’t really care what position you take. Just stick with one. Just be strong. They are not bright enough to really understand the issues, but like an animal they can sort of sense strength. – Bill Maher, CNN Larry King Live February 18, 2010
I would have to say that things do seem to be getting worse and they seem to be getting worse because – sorry to say it – people get stupider and stupider every election cycle. … They think offshore drilling is going to lower the price of gas and they think Obama, the black guy from the single mother, somehow is the elitist. – August 15, 2008
At least half of the [Ten] Commandments are stupid! – January, 2008
(see pic at left)
Religion to me is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don’t need. But I’m not an atheist, no. – February 16, 2007